Fairy Tales Are Real.

You're shaking your head already? Is it because you've heard me say too many times that Disney gives little girls a false idea of how relationships work with men? Or because I've been so mean about the dismally uninteresting and unrealistic plots of modern romantic comedies?

Or, maybe you're with me on this one. As a teen and young adult, I really honestly thought romantic comedies were like documentaries of real life relationships I would someday experience. Sometimes I wish I had a time machine to hop into and tell my younger self something: That these stories, although shiny and entertaining, rarely represent real life.

Don't get me wrong... And don't think I'm trying to express, in a not so subtle way, that my marriage is on the rocks (it's not, I promise). I think though, that when any honest married person tells the whole and non-sugarcoated truth, they will say that marriage is not easy. It's not a fun, silly romp through a field, where you start out hating each others guts and then all of a sudden, realize you're perfect for each other and fall in love. Boom. Then your life becomes a rose colored haze, spending your time swooning 24/7 over your special guy/gal and can't wait to make out with them every moment for the rest of your life.

One of Disney's old-school love stories: Snow White and her Prince Charming

Sound familiar? Didn't think so.

Here's the catch though: I personally believe we can live moments of our favorite fairy tales, even in our broken world with imperfect people.

Here's the God's honest truth about marriage (in my opinion): Even after passing through the honeymoon stage of being married, even after consistently seeing your significant other's dirty laundry, getting super annoyed at the sound of them crunching cereal at 7 am, hurting each other's feelings over and over--  there are many moments you find yourself blown away by the other person's beauty. Unfortunately everyday life, jobs, and exhaustion seem to deaden our ability to see the person in their full beauty, the way we saw them when we were first dating. It's not that they aren't that way every moment. We just can't see it all the time.

Or can we?

Can you think back to one of your first dates with your S.O.? Or even before you started dating, and you had that special fuzzy feeling toward them, hoping that something might happen? I think we can look back on purpose and choose to see the mystery and beauty of our spouse or S.O. We can choose to not see them through the filter of laundry, bills, and "normal" life. On top of that, I have found that my husband has become more beautiful to me in a deeper way since we got married almost five years ago. He is consistently loving and faithful to me, never fails to ask me how my day was. He chooses to give me the better half of the steak at dinner. He provides for us, not just  financially, but in many other ways as well. I often tell people that he is a much nicer person than I am, and I stand by that.

People have told me over and over that marriage "just gets better" over the years. What I'm thinking they mean is, that it doesn't get more rose-colored, or more like a romantic comedy. I think they mean time reveals the deeper beauty of the person, and this causes you to love your S.O. in a much different way than Hollywood would want us to believe. We continue building a foundation of commitment into the relationship every time we refuse to walk away from the problems we all encounter. And that, my friends, is true beauty.

But that's just me (being painfully honest), at almost five years of marriage. By no means am I claiming this to be truth for everyone, although I am pretty sure if we caught up with Snow White and Prince Charming right now, they might say something similar... Thoughts?

Fire

An image of one of Colorado's current wildfires up north

If you haven't heard, our state is burning up. Literally.

It started out with just one, then they multiplied. My friend just told me that about a third of the population of Colorado Springs has been evacuated. Scary, right? Fire is frightening because it can be so out of our control.

Please pray for our state. Pray for rain, for the firefighters, and for all the people impacted.

Forgiveness Tank

God calls us to forgive. Often. This all sounds good and fine until someone really hurts you. I'm not talking being stood up for a phone date, or someone borrowing your shirt and forgetting to give it back. Sometimes people really hurt you, on purpose. It's meant to sting, for you to feel it down to the depth of your soul.

Ever gone through that?

Ever done that to someone? I have. More than once, unfortunately.

"Forgive." Even THEN, God says. Seven times seventy times we are to forgive. Not having God's infinite ability to love those who have hurt me, I struggle with that. The bottom of my forgiveness "tank" appears fairly quickly in situations where my heart is concerned.  I can blame it on my personality, my baggage, my childhood, etc. etc. etc. But the fact is I'm human. More than that, I often forget that I've done the same thing to many people. The only one who loves perfectly all the time is God.

He offers to give us the ability to love those who, ironically, are human too. We are so imperfect. We try to make excuses for ourselves. I know, because I do it all the time: "I was in the right. They are the ones that need to change. I have done nothing wrong." When in actuality, we all do wrong. All the time. I know, because I do. All the time.

Seven times seventy? Sounds like a lot. Until I think about how many times God has forgiven me. And how many times Casey has forgiven me for various things. And how many times my friends have as well. Amazing, incredible gifts that were tossed my way when I was being a huge jerk.

I pray the people in my life have the eyes to see that, when I struggle with being a jerk, I desperately need forgiveness from them. I also pray that I will remember often, that God fills up my forgiveness tank with His ability to love and move past things.

Expresso.

AUUUGGGHHHHHH

Few things annoy me more: Calling espresso, "expresso." Especially when Starbucks workers use it! Auuugghh! It's like fingernails on a chalkboard-- if anyone uses chalkboards anymore. I believe they've officially been replaced by white boards and eraseable markers. Nails make very little sound on those things.

Maybe it's all the time I spent living in Italy that made me a huge language snob. I often have to bite my tongue when someone asks me if I want "a biscotti," because in Italian that word means "cookies." Plural.

Panini? Means "sandwiches." Plural. "Panino" is the singular in this case.

But even I admit the words "panino" and "biscotto" are virtually unknown to the non-Italian public-- "expresso" is different. It just SOUNDS wrong, doesn't it?

So here is your Italian lesson for the day: The next time you ask for this heavenly, amazing, delicious beverage, use the word ESPRESSO. With an S. And while you're at it, tell the guy working at my local Starbucks the correct way to say it.

Dream.

Hauntingly, heartbreakingly beautiful:

"Long walks in the dark, through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be. The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep. I had a dream, that I could fly from the highest tree. I had a dream." (Priscilla Ahn, "Dream")

I highly recommend watching the entire music video and hearing her amazingly beautiful voice for yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKfDwChOoHI

I have dreamed of being a professional ballet dancer since the age of seven. Fast forward to a moment over a year ago, before a show with Ballet Ariel, minutes before stepping onstage. I had my iPod in, and was listening to calming songs to subdue my typical pre-show butterflies. "Dream" began to play, and the above line ("God answered in silent reverie...") struck me straight to the depths of my soul. I happened to be pacing nearby a mirror at the time, and looked myself straight in the face-- stage makeup on, flower wreath around my ballet bun, and costume/pointe shoes tied on and ready to go. I saw in that mirror a professional ballet dancer, ready to go onstage and share my love and joy of dancing with whoever was sitting in that audience. 

I don't know how I hadn't realized it until then-- but God had answered my hopes and prayers.

Peter Strand and I in "Napoli" with Ballet Ariel, March 2011

God had answered my prayers, but as a seven year old, I had no idea what that would look like. I don't remember specifically, but I'm pretty sure I'd hoped to be a principal dancer in a big, well known ballet company like New York City Ballet or American Ballet Theatre. I know that as I grew older (especially as a teen), that this specific hope became much more pronounced. Sometimes dreams don't pan out the way we originally plan. God knew that with my personality and emotional makeup, a big, crowded, competitive company of 30+ dancers was not the right fit for me or my talents. He knew that I would emotionally and artistically thrive in a smaller community-- and handpicked the people I'd work with and under. This is exactly what has happened. I absolutely adore where I am at artistically with my current company. It is a difficult, sometimes back-breaking career with many challenges. Nevertheless, I see it as an amazing gift from the one who created me with specific talents and passions, and placed me exactly where I am now.

"I had a dream that I could fly from the highest tree..." God listens to our hopes and desires, and when we share these with Him, He answers us in the best, most beautiful and perfect way possible.

Confessions of a Reactivated Facebooker

Oooohhh! See what I did there? I changed up the title on you. And stuff.

Anyways.

Yes, I am back on Facebook. Or, for the lazy person (me): FB. I am pleased to say it is going very well. I am only on for about 20 minutes a day, which is practically perfect in every way. It's enough time to check my notifications, look at a couple interesting tidbits or pictures, then log off. I've also made a rule that I won't be dowloading the FB app on my phone, so it won't be a temptation to log on when I'm stuck somewhere or bored in the doctor's waiting room.

People have been very sweet in welcoming me back, and have been commenting on my wall: "We missed you!" and "Glad to see you back!" This makes me happy. I did miss the community a lot, and seeing everyone's shining faces. And now that I have some parameters, I am expecting this to be a much healthier experience. It already feels so different from before.

How about you? What is your FB experience like lately? Have you ever found yourself spending too much time on it? Did you ever take a break? Talk amongst yourselves... I'll give you a topic...

Oh wait, I already did that. My bad.

The Avians Are T.O.'d

Angry Birds. It's not a description of the emotional state of one of my pets. It's a video game that I've only played a couple times- the second time being last night.

People continually say how "addicting" and "fun" it is... And I'll agree with that. But only for about an hour.

Last night I was playing this particular game with my friend. He was pretty good. Better than me, in fact. Suddenly, I was transported back to 9 year old Gina, who played a lot of video games with her brothers. Incidentally, both my brothers are now owners of computer/tech businesses. Yeah... I turned out to be a professional dancer and dance teacher. Can you guess who was better at Super Mario Brothers and Final Fight?

In the first fifteen minutes of playing Angry Birds last night, I thought, "I don't suck so bad. I just need practice."

Fifteen minutes later: "I still suck... Maybe I just need to stick with it and NOT GIVE UP!"

Half an hour later: "I really suck at this. And I'm getting bored."

Forty five minutes later: "I am getting infinitely suckier, and I'M DONE."

Addicting? Yes. Fun? I'll admit to that. But only for awhile. Then it just gets annoying... Those pigs laughing at you gets really, really old. I'll probably end up playing again at some point though, because who wants to admit they can't beat a green cartoon pig hiding under a piece of wood?

Not me!

Bella's Havin' a Baby... Vampire

Cullen family portrait

I am halfway through Bram Stoker's Dracula. What can I say, vampires are scary. My first "experience" really thinking about the blood-suckers in depth was when I read the Twilight series. The story conditioned me to think of our undead friends as mostly good-natured, deer-hunting individuals-- committed to keeping you (meaning you-- humans) safe from their unfortunate need for blood.

Reading about Count Dracula though, who (SPOILER ALERT! If you plan to read the book Dracula, skip to the next paragraph. Unless you don't care. Then, by all means, keep reading) has no problem hurting, sucking blood from, and generally ruining the eternal lives of both children and adults. He's AWFUL. Just awful. I hate the guy.

Yeah, yeah. I know. He's not real. Or IS he?

Regardless, there was a point where I was reading about the Count's devious and evil ways and thinking, "Twilight totally ruined me for this book. Vampires aren't out for my best interest. They want to suck my blood and turn me into an undead, terrible person, just like they are."

Curse you, Edward and Bella! And your little half-vampire baby too! (Oops, there goes another another spoiler alert). But I am wise to your ways now. If I hear flapping outside my window late at night, I will NOT be inviting you in to have some tea and watch Hannah Montana. Watch out. Because I'll be in the kitchen, peeling garlic cloves. And peeling. And peeling. And then peeling some more.

Because those things take forever! Ya know?

Confessions of a Deactivated Facebooker: Reactivation... And Free Brownies.

Some of you have been following my journey of being unplugged from Facebook. Here's a new twist in the story: I'm reactivating.

It's been almost three full months since I deactivated my FB account. (Click the blue links throughout this post to read about my experiences unplugged). My reason for deactivation? Plain and simple: The time I spent on this social media site was taking my attention away from some really important things in my life.
It came to a point where I realized I needed a break. And so, I took one. I'm so glad I did. Here's what I re-discovered during this time:

• I like to read. I always have, but during my break, I've been reading  much more (currently I'm in the middle of Bram Stoker's Dracula), and it's so very delightful! I looooooove it.
• I really  like to write.  And think deeply. In the last three months, I've traded status updates for longer blog posts. I've gotten to listen to my soul in a much deeper way and sharpen my writing and communication skills. No plans on stopping that.
• I really like my friends. I reconnected face to face with lots of different people in my off time from FB. Coffee/lunch/frozen yogurt dates filled my heart up in a way that I really needed. Yeah. Totally continuing that.
• I really really REALLY like my husband. I'm going out on a limb here and ask: Don't we all spend way too much time on FB that we could be spending with our significant other and/or best friends? I did. No way I'm trading back now.
• I LOVE God. Although I definitely still could be spending more time talking with Him, I found that the sounds of silence forced me to listen to His voice a lot more and get closer to Him. And for that I'm forever grateful.  I refuse to give Him, or my time with Him, up.

All that said... It is obvious to me now that I can go back to FB and not get too wrapped up in it again. I've rediscovered highly precious things I would be a fool to give up in its place. I will be spending a very small amount of time on FB compared to before (on purpose), and I am forever grateful for the change the break made in my habits. I highly recommend taking a break from FB, if you are at all feeling that you've traded important things for time on it.

Here's to a new, much healthier FB experience! And free brownies! (Wait... I don't get free brownies for reactivating? Heyyyy..... I might have to re-think all this...)

Totes M'Goats.

Goats.

"Totes my goats," you say?

I've been hearing this saying here and there and everywhere for the last several months. Does anyone have any clue where this came from? Did it hail from the Magical Land of Trendy Quotations?

If I am not mistaken, "rad," "totally tubular," and "gag me with a pitchfork" also come from this enchanted place.

And, might I ask: How in the world did you obtain said goats, and where exactly are you planning on toting them? They look pretty happy exactly where they are, IMHO.

If you figure it out, let me know.

I Made Disney's Douchebag List

So, apparently my latest role has made it onto the "Disney's Douchiest Characters": http://www.chacha.com/gallery/1720/douchiest-disney-characters/11987

I am so excited! Let me explain further.

My whole dancing life, I have been cast as the "safe" character. In ballet, this usually means the princess type, or at the very least, the nice ones. In The Nutcracker, I often got cast as a pretty Shepherdess (the reed flute variation) and of course, a flower or snowflake. I still have never been cast as the "saucy" Spanish girl in Nutcracker. Ok, ok, so I'm really white, but that's just discrimination, right???

A little background: My training is in the Royal Academy of Dance method, which in ballet terms, means the teaching syllabus used in England and many other places all over the world. In layman's terms, it's extremely classical ballet-ish. So it's not surprising that my roles reflected that.

It was not until a few years ago that choreographers began giving me the chance to be a little out of the box, dance wise. I got a chance to do a kick-butt piece to Nine Inch Nails a few years ago, which was very contemporary in style. I have recently been privileged to dance the Arabian variation at Ballet Ariel. And (getting to my point) I was recently given the chance to be the "not nice" girl as a Stepsister.

I got to be a douchebag! Yeah!

I do love the classical roles, wearing a tiara and tutu or pretty flowy dress, smiling pretty and being nice to people. I look forward to doing more of these roles in the future, don't get me wrong. But getting to romp around stage being mean to someone, even being ugly, is one of the greatest things I've ever experienced onstage. Drawing on my acting and musical theater experience to portray Doris in a full length ballet (Cinderella) brought my two great loves together.

Things I Learned From My Cat

Things I have learned from my cat, Stella:

Stella.

• Everyone is trying to kill me
• Life is about lying in front of the window and watching squirrels
• Scratching and biting is the best way to communicate my issues 
• Treats are the most important thing in life. Ever.
• Resting is a good thing.

Ok, so maybe I haven't learned all that much from Stella. But today I am taking some moments to rest and that is a good thing.

Lemonade, anyone?

Writing this post will undoubtedly make me miss my brothers even more than I already do, but here we go anyway.

As I made breakfast this morning, my "Dean Martin" Pandora station played the song "Summertime." Summertime, and the livin is easy. Your daddy's rich, and your momma's good lookin. These famous lyrics always make me stop and wonder what the writer meant, and why they felt the need to tell me this about my parents... Anyway, I realized that today, my summer has officially begun. With the Ballet Ariel season officially over, I enter a new phase of life. My bed begins the strong argument that spending time in it is much more fun than getting up and taking ballet class (I am not forced to be there as I am when on contract). I often resort to yelling at my bed in this situation, but that is another blog (a two year old blog at that).

Summertime. When I was younger, it meant swim lessons, popsicles, and "The Refreshment Place," the lemonade stand my two brothers and I ran a few summers in a row. We not only sold lemonade, but being the shrewd business kids we were, we realized not everyone liked lemonade. So we offered cookies, punch, and popsicles (ok, ok, Otter Pops-- anyone remember these???) as well. My older brother was quite strict with us and how many cookies we could eat ourselves. I remember him yelling at us if we had more than a couple in a day. My younger brother and I were much more relaxed about these things. Ironically, all three of us now own and run our own businesses.

What memories does the season of summer bring to you?

End of Season Thoughts

The performance in Leadville went really well. I could breathe much better than I could last year when we performed "Avoca." Maybe it is because I took a few people's advice about drinking a ton of water beforehand, or maybe it was just a little gift from God. Not sure, but I'm happy about it. I'm also happy about the audience that showed up! They were, from the very first moments of the ballet, very vocal and supportive. They seemed to come ready to laugh, clap and cheer loudly. As stepsisters, Peter and I got many laughs for our bits, which makes my heart so happy! I love to make people laugh, and to hear it is like music to my ears. I found a lump in my throat as the curtain fell after final bows-- I will sorely miss hamming it up with my "sister" Peony.

A rerun picture, but appropriate: Peter and I as Peony and Doris, the crazy Stepsisters.

Despite this lump, this tour was super fun for me. One memorably fun time was dinner with fellow company members when we got to take a load off and celebrate the closing of the show. We made pasta and hung out at the rental house down the street from the Opera House. I consider it a huge privilege to be friends with my coworkers. I work with some huge-hearted, hilarious and interesting people! We had lots of laughs and good conversation sitting around until the wee hours of the morning. What great bonding time for us before a couple month break from seeing each other on such a regular basis.

Today is Sunday. We carpooled back after stopping at a local Leadville coffeehouse for our morning caffiene. Such a cute place. I bought a postcard of the main drag of Leadville to remember the fun experience I had here this summer.

Now what? I plan to take my regular ballet classes (hopefully almost daily), work out at the gym, and attend pilates classes in order to keep in shape for the next season (starting in August). I'll still be teaching, and working on my social media marketing business SugarPlum Ltd. As I mentioned in my previous post, ending a ballet season is always bittersweet. This time I plan to celebrate all the beautiful times I had this year, onstage and off, as well as process the challenges and try to grow from them. It was overall a wonderful year and I am so happy I found myself dancing for Ballet Ariel this season. I am looking forward to brand shiny new one coming up in a couple months.

Getting High

For the next two days, I'm getting high. And I'm not coming down till Sunday.

Yep, this afternoon the company and I are taking a trip to Leadville (10,000 ft) and performing our full length Cinderella at this immensely HIGH elevation.

You thought I was talking about something else, didn't ya.

This last show should be interesting for several reasons: a) At 10,000 feet, I may have to carry an oxygen tank around on my back along with my fairy wings, b) The Tabor Opera House is a beautiful, historic theater, but widely known to have ghosts, c) This is the last time I'll get to perform this show in its full length, as far as I know.

Sugar Plum Fairy in Ballet Ariel's Nutcracker 2011 (photo by Jenna Holliday)

There's always a bittersweetness about closing a show and dance season. Every season has ups and downs, accomplishments and setbacks, but for me I feel like this one was my best yet-- professionally and emotionally. I was privileged to dance the role of Sugar Plum Fairy for the first time (perhaps the most challenging role I've ever done), and even got a taste of delightful musical theater style acting as a Stepsister in Cinderella. Every role is different. The physical/mental/emotional work that goes into each one is truly exhausting-- but in the best way possible.

I get the feeling I am right where I'm supposed to be despite the lows, and I have grown much through the times of struggle. That's what's funny about life. Without the low points, I would never grow, so I am grateful even (especially???) for these.

And, God willing, I'll be back for another season of  full of new experiences.

Last Chance to Fit in the Glass Slipper...

Tomorrow night is the last time we'll be performing Cinderella in Denver! The outdoor ampitheater at the Arvada Center is one of my favorite venues to perform at. There is covered seating  but a lot of people choose to sit on the grass and watch the show. Sitting outside and watching dance/theater/music makes for one very amazing opportunity: Snacks. I am a huge fan of dinner theater because you get to eat and ALSO watch something awesome.  Before I joined Ballet Ariel a couple years ago, I watched the company perform at this same outdoor ampitheater. I sat and enjoyed some great dance while eating Twizzlers and drinking Dr. Pepper. What, may I ask, could be better than that?

So here's the scoop: We're performing with the Colorado Children's Chorale Festival Singers. They will go first at 7:30 pm, and we will perform an annotated version of Cinderella at 8:30 pm (it's an hour version of the full length ballet, great for kids). If you'd like to come, and I hope you do, here's a link to all the info you may need:  http://arvadacenter.org/on-stage/centerfest-ballet-ariel-colorado-childrens-chorale

After that, the company travels to Leadville to perform at the historic Tabor Opera House Saturday night. We performed a ballet based on Molly Brown's life there last year and it was one of the most memorable shows I've ever done. This theater is truly unique and the audience was bar none one of the best I've ever performed for, complete with "bravo!"'s and "brava!"'s.

I will be sad to begin saying goodbye to Doris, my stepsister character, but am pleased to share that I'll get to dance bits and pieces from Cinderella later this summer and probably this fall at collaborative dance shows.

No Excuses Please.

Tears so early on a Tuesday? Totally worth it.

No exuses: http://abcnews.go.com/US/video?id=8246927

More later when I can pull myself and thoughts together about this amazing video and person.

To Be Thirteen

Friendship bracelets... Boomboxes... Nerds candy... Debbie Gibson... Mile high bangs... These are the things I think of when I travel back in time to age thirteen. About to go into eighth grade, boys suddenly became interesting rather than annoying. Suddenly school dances became events of the century (even if I didn't go).

I've been thinking about being thirteen a lot lately, because I've had the privilege of having a girl about that age around me (we'll call her Emma) pretty consistently the last couple months. A couple weeks ago she made me a friendship bracelet. I haven't worn one of these things for years. My best friend Andrea (who I've known now for almost twenty years... Wait, wait... Twenty YEARS? MAKE IT STOP!!! I suddenly feel elderly...) made me one when we were just into high school and I still have it. One of the things that touch my heart like no other are handmade or handpicked gifts. I put on the bracelet Emma made me immediately after she gave it to me. Did I mention she sneakily asked me what my favorite colors were a few days beforehand? "Just wondering," she said, after I told her pink and light blue were my current choices.

Me with my brand new friendship bracelet

At thirteen, life is not simple. You thought I was going to say something different, didn't you? For me, life was more than a bit complicated. Life at home was full of transition. On top of that, I was working hard to become the best ballerina I possibly could, I was adjusting to junior high culture, and also at the top of the list I needed to figure out if my crush liked me back. Thirteen year old girls need support. Their problems are not "small" or simple compared to ours (even if it really looks that way from the outside). In their minds, that upcoming school dance is as large as whatever issue you may be having in your marriage. Reaching for that next goal in ballet class is no different than that current goal you hold in your career. But still, I've noticed that Emma lives more in the moment than I do. She fully expects fun and joyful things to pop up in her life and enjoys them to the hilt when they do-- even though her life is far from perfect.

Why do thirteen year olds think so differently than us adults? The harsh reality of adult life has not jaded them yet. They are able to give freely and lovingly without strings (ie, my lovely friendship bracelet). They fully expect big and beautiful things for the future. I still find my thirty-four year old self hoping just as hard as my thirteen year old self did, but with less expectation that big and beautiful things could actually happen.

What happened to thirteen year old Gina? Now, with God, I know all things are possible. Yet, most of the time now I don't dream too big anymore. Thirteen year old Gina had the image in her mind of dancing the role of Juliet at ABT. I know now this will never happen, and actually I am not sad about it. It is just reality, and I am one hundred percent happy in my current dance career. It all worked about perfectly in the way I needed. But something about being thirteen allows you to dream big. Being around Emma has unearthed something in my soul-- I want to love more openly and be less inhibited. I want to expect big joy, even when life sucks.

What do you remember about being thirteen?

National Donut Day?!?

So, apparently yesterday was National Donut Day. I saw the tweets going out about it all day long and thought, "Hmm, might be fun to go get one." Didn't make it though. And now I'm kicking myself, because my friend Chad told me today at church that Krispy Kreme (my all time favorite!) and Lamar's Donuts were giving out free donuts all day.

I had to wipe away a little tear when the words "free donut" registered in my brain. There's something tragic about missing out on a free, quite possibly hot, just the right about of sweet, piece of fluffy pastry. And yes, I do realize that this is my second post in a several month span about donuts. I wonder what that says about me...

Well said, Homer. Well said.

Did you get one yesterday?

Casey got a job!

A new job, that is.

As you might know, Casey (my curly-headed and very smart husband) is working toward getting his CPA license. And he just landed a job at a CPA firm here in Denver! It sounds like the perfect fit for him, and I am so excited that he gets to do something he loves and is passionate about. He starts in approximately two weeks. Which means we have some shopping to do (button up shirts and the like). Enter Gina, his personal shopping assistant!

So, not much else to say. Just wanted to catch you up. If you are his friend on Facebook or have his cell number, send him a message to congratulate him!

Forgiving the Un-Sorry

How do you forgive the un-sorry? Many people have said something to the effect of: "Holding onto unforgiveness does nothing to punish the other person; It only punishes you." But what if someone has done something and they haven't asked for your forgiveness? How do you manage to let go of something like that?

Many times I have, and I am sure you have as well, been on the receiving end of someone's toxicity. The most toxic relationship in my life was with my late stepfather when I was a teenager. We had a kind of cold war going on between us despite numerous attempts of other people to "fix" us. The last two years I lived in the house with him, we didn't speak at all. I hated him more than anything. I would tell people, "I only have one enemy in this world, and it is my stepdad." I moved out at 18 and held onto all that for a few years, until I met the Lord. I realized that if I kept these feelings inside, they would eat me alive. Because God forgave me for all the things I'd done, how could I hold onto the unforgiveness toward my stepdad? I made a command decision: I would forgive him. He hadn't apologized for his hurtful and insensitive behavior, but I wasn't about to wait for that. I immediately felt a huge weight lift off my heart and shoulders. Please hear this: This forgiveness didn't mean I began thinking what he did was "ok." I just stopped holding him hostage in my heart and asked God to move his love through my heart toward him, and change my view of the situation.

A few years later, my brothers and I all received a letter from him, apologizing for all the things that happened while we were living in the house. He had been on the receiving end of major toxicity as a child, it turns out-- administered to him with a 4 x 4 by his own father. He had been abused physically for years and just then realized how it had affected him and all his relationships. I was grateful for the letter, albeit shocked he'd written it. It was a sweet end to the cold war that I'd given up a few years before. He died a few years later, from a sudden stroke. I am forever grateful to God for giving me the ability to make amends with him. I will see him in Heaven and look forward to a re-made friendship with him.

Today I was in a dance store getting new shoes, and began looking at leotards just for kicks. All of sudden, God jogged my memory to an image he gifted to me years ago. "God works in mysterious ways," people sometimes say, and at this particular moment, I have to agree. Sometimes a certain image, song, or color will bring to mind a promise God made to me long ago. Today it was a color on a beautifully designed leotard that helped me remember-- a lovely, pale lilac color:


God is dancing with me on a sunny, breezy day. We are in a lush green field dotted with wild flowers, and the sun gently shines down on us. We twirl, turn, and He lifts me high in the air with the easiest of smiles. I wear a beautiful, pale lilac flowing sundress. My heart overflows with joy and completeness.

The image of this lilac dress in particular has stuck with me for more than ten years. This gift, this image that God planted in my heart, represents freedom and a feeling of total beloved-ness in His arms and presence. Nothing else matters when I am dancing with my Daddy. I am precious, beautiful, and completely loved as I am. He believes the best of me, even though both of us know I have hurt Him in the past and will continue to. I am 100% complete in His strong embrace.

Despite the painful memories associated with it, I want to remember my experience with my stepdad. I want to remember that God is still working behind the scenes to heal people. I want to remember my lilac dress, the feeling of completeness, and most of all the knowledge that God provides all the forgiveness I could ever need.

Do you hold an image or picture in your heart that you can return to when you are struggling?

What Battles Have You Seen?

Today is Memorial Day... I'm thinking about those who have gone through battle, fought for our freedoms, and paid the ultimate price. I am so grateful for those (including many of my relatives) who have fought in the armed forces.

I'm also thinking of spiritual battle today. So much going on under the surface, unseen to the eye. These are the battles that have been the hardest for me to deal with, especially when I refuse to let God help me (but that's my bad).

Casey and I at my cousin's wedding a few years ago

Today I'm going to take some time to sit and journal, and think about the spiritual battles I've been through. God has seen me through so much in my short time here on Earth. I'd like to give credit where credit is due. Also deserving of much credit is my husband Casey, who has seen me through many battles in the last five years (including major health issues, countless emotional battles, and a major career change).

Don't Quit Your Day Job

If you want to know what I do almost everyday in/for my day job, watch this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5EVMjnHFg-w&feature=relmfu

Most professional dancers who work for a ballet company are required to do a daily ballet class in order to maintain strength and work on technique. This is a glimpse into the daily life of the Royal Ballet (one of the best ballet companies anywhere), and their dancers are talented far above what I could ever dream to be... However, I share this link because many of the dance combinations, and the general layout of the class is extremely similar to what I experience in my work. This is a unique YouTube video because it features not just clips of a class, but their entire 1 hour, 15 minute class. If you make it through the whole thing, let me know and I'll buy you coffee. I say this because I don't know many people who will actually sit through the whole thing besides me and a couple other people.

Their talent is truly humbling and it was a huge treat today to sit down today and watch them work their way through an entire class, and to pick up on some of their good habits and technique. (I'd embed the video into the post, but it would take six months for it to download, so you get to watch it on YouTube.)

Pure Joy

This picture (David Hallberg) paints a portrait of pure joy in movement. I got to take a ballet class again today, and although I felt physically tired, my heart was singing. The jumping section of class in particular gave me such joy. Jumps are one of those things I have the ability to do well when my muscles are cooperating, and today despite my slight tiredness, I felt springy and light (for most of the petite allegro, or "little jumps" combination that is). There were times I felt as if I was jumping on a trampoline. In the big jump section of class, I had a couple moments where I could swear I was flying.

David Hallberg in rehearsal (photo by Gene Schiavone)

I feel free and joyful today! The feeling of unadulturated freedom is, in my opinion, what life is all about. The joy of being who you were meant to be, living the life you were given and letting go of everything else that drags you down. I am feeling closer to my own heart and God's heart than I have in literally months. 

What makes you feel free and joyful?

(PS If you need a little joy booster today... Watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBb9hTyLjfM)

Poll: Beautiful or disturbing?

Svetlana Zakharova in rehearsal (photo by Marc Haegemen)

Bunhead post #2 coming at you: Svetlana Zakharova in rehearsal.

Poll: What is your initial impression of this image? Beautiful or disturbing? Should be interesting to hear from dancers and non dancers alike. Cast your vote below (click on text "comments" in blue).

Just Jump

the freedom that comes from that leap
down the canyon, into the water
terrifying, freeing, huge
just jump

it's almost as if you were always meant to do it
letting go of everything
all that extra crap, that pulled you down
just jump

shedding the backpacks, the water bottles
the extra jackets and vests
equipment meant for past lives
just jump

leave behind even the snacks and meals
previously thought to be important
the water holds all you need
just jump

the journey to the edge is long
takes mental courage and clarity
concentration and time
but then-- you can just jump

Bunhead.

"Hello, my name is Gina and I'm a bunhead."

"Hi, Gina..."

Addictions... There are good ones and bad ones. At the moment I am addicted to looking at videos and pictures of well known professional dancers. When this happens to an individual, the person is typically called a "bunhead." This is due to the fact ballet dancers wear their hair in buns.

photo by Gene Schiavone

The photo above is of a beautiful principal dancer in Raymonda (don't quote me on that, the website I found it on didn't specify-- but the headpiece makes me believe it's either Raymonda or La Bayadere). My purpose in posting this, however, is that it captures a moment of intense concentration to technique, and yet total commitment to character.  Not to mention the amazing arch on her standing foot.

In the last month I've been finding quite a lot of inspiration from watching dancers do their thing, and very well at that. Some names that come to mind are Svetlana Zakharova (Bolshoi Ballet and Teatro Alla Scala Principal Dancer), Marianela Nunez (Royal Ballet Principal), Darcey Bussell (former Royal Ballet Principal), and Roberto Bolle (Principal with American Ballet Theatre). These people were literally born to dance. Every movement of their bodies makes it clear that their muscles were made to create ballet positions and steps with grace and power.

Seeing the amazing talent of the above dancers inspires me to reach higher, to attain a level of technique and artistry I would not even know existed if I hadn't seen their videos or photos. And for this I am grateful.

The Boxer

In high school I listened to Simon and Garfunkle. A lot. The above song is one of my all time favorites, and inspiring. I want to fight for the good things in this life, I want to fight for the things that really matter and that have a worthy cause. I want to cast aside the useless things and arguments that inevitably will come. And when I am tired and feeling misunderstood, I will feel like leaving-- but I don't want to do that: "...I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains..."

Running

in a stream, I see water
I see rocks
the movement and rushing, calm yet furious
distinctively deceptive

a relaxing image?
and yet, the rocks stand
the constant movement of the water over their bodies
you cannot hear the transformation as they stand under the rush

the changing
the formation
the act of movement against the grain
they are being transformed

this is their destiny.
to not stay the same,
but become something different
smoother, flatter, under the current.

how does it feel?
do they run?
do they resist?
how can they?

I believe in miracles.
and more often, a slow steady change.
loving to hate the water, we run
yet the water is our redemption

new creation

the Hand that helps and saves
one falling through the glass
it is the One who also cradles you
outside your awareness

I am grateful for breath
for my body, for dancing
for people, for wisdom
for light

some songwriters wail through words
"leave me, don't leave me, hurt me"
they don't make sense, in the real world
I turn down the volume

the sun rises and falls, every day
it is always there to remind me
life goes on, it will never stop
even after this body dies

my spirit will fly away
my body will be remade
I will do things I never did
and my joy will be wrapped up in my greatest Love's arms

eternity makes no sense to me right now
but then again, a lot of things don't
my mind will be remade
and I will be a new creation

Great News!

Two pieces of really great news:

• Casey got a job interview! It's for a CPA firm here in Denver. The interview is tomorrow (Monday), so if you are a praying person, please keep him in your prayers for that opportunity!
• The shows in Casper with the company went extremely well. I feel I hit a personal best with my stepsister character, and am so grateful for the loud and enthusiastic audience that laughed, clapped, and generally kept up our energy and spirits!

A new stage shot of Peony (Peter Strand) and Doris (me) in Ballet Ariel's Cinderella (photo by David Andrews)

"Someday my Prince will come..."

Me as Doris trying to kiss the Prince (Kevin Burke) as Peony the other Stepsister (Peter Strand) looks on (photo: David Andrews)

Ballet Ariel is on the road again! We take off for Casper, Wyoming today to tour with our full length Cinderella. Doris can't wait for another chance to win the Prince's heart. She's pretty sure she can do it this time.

The picture above shows one of my favorite scenes in Cinderella. After the Prince makes his entrance at the Ball, he dances with his guests and the Stepsisters make it their goal to get his attention. He's not paying enough attention to Doris, apparently, so she decides to jump on his back and show him how nice her kisses are. Unfortunately the Prince throws her off and runs.

I can't wait to perform this show again! I'll be reporting back about how it went soon.

Amazing Talent.

We just found out that we are performing excerpts from the famous ballet La Bayadere for Ballet Ariel's fall concert. I did a little research, having not seen much of this ballet, and found this hauntingly beautiful clip from Act 2 on YouTube. Svetlana Zakharova and Robert Bolles are two of the world's most famous and best professional ballet dancers. I don't think I need to explain why, all you need to do is watch this video and you'll see why. This is ballet at it's best, technically and theatrically.

Casey at the Bat

Casey and I at our first apartment here in Colorado, almost four years ago.

An introduction to those who may not know my husband:
Everyone? May I introduce Casey.
Casey? This is everyone.

Instead of jabbering about myself today I thought I'd give some air time to my best friend and "other half." Actually, I take that back. He's not my other half, he's a human being totally on his own and I am as well. But we've been married almost five years now and it's hard to imagine my life without him already. Marriage is funny that way. Each of our personal existences have begun to combine together, kind of like the strawberry and kiwi flavors in Jello salad-- the two flavors melting together in a bowl and left out because the party is still going and no one remembered to put it back in the fridge.

Yes, I just compared our marriage to runny Jello salad.

 Anyway, he's been working hard lately. Anyone that has met Casey knows his brain is constructed differently than mine, specifically, he isn't allergic to finances. In fact, he really likes numbers and accounting. Enough so that he is pursuing a career as a CPA. Since moving here, he's worked a couple different jobs while going to school at University of Colorado (Denver) to reach that goal. He just recently finished his classes (yeeeaaayyyy!). Now onto the CPA exam study courses, resume editing and submitting, and trying on his new three piece interview/work suits for me (what can I say? He looks hot in them).

I am so proud of him. He has such an amazing work ethic, and is such a faithful person in so many ways. He is always there for me no matter how ridiculous, annoying, or immature I am being. He actually probably deserves the "most patient man" award for being married to me for more than two minutes.

He pretty much inspires me and grounds me in a lot of different ways. And thus ends my shameless rant about the best man in the world. I love you Casey!

An Unusual Mother's Day Tale

(This post contains some possibly upsetting word images. Please be forewarned.)

Today is Mother's Day, and at church they were handing out flowers, as many churches do on this particular holiday. I assumed they were just for the moms (normally they are). Until, that is, a ten year old girl in a stripey dress approached me with a bunch of flowers in her hand. She very deliberately walked  up to me, and handed me one of the flowers.
"Here you go," she said.
"Oh, I'm not a mom," I said, cringing a little inside (because that statement, although I have expressed it in different ways many times, isn't really true).
She looked me straight in the eye and said (as only an outgoing ten year old can), "So? They are for all the adults. Not just moms."
At that moment, I knew that I was receiving a special gift-- from my child and from God.

Wait a minute, I can hear you say. You don't have kids.
To which I must reply: On this particular point, I am going to have to correct you.

You may know this about me already, but if you don't, you're about to. Almost four years ago, about a week after we moved from Portland Oregon to Denver, I had a miscarriage. I didn't know I was pregnant, and we certainly weren't planning on having a child. We moved here so I could take a job dancing professionally with David Taylor Dance Theatre. It was not in the plan, and it was a huge shock. I knew I was pregnant for less than a day before I started miscarrying. My reaction to the news that I was pregnant was less than ecstatic. We had moved to Denver so I could dance professionally, not have a baby. We were not in a financial position (having just moved, and Casey not employed) to have a child. Both of us were quite emotional when we found out.

This went on for about six hours before I started cramping and bleeding that night around 8 pm. A trip to the emergency room, a lot of physical pain, and a few doctors visits later, it was already over. Over almost as soon as it started. I didn't have time to regroup. It  happened so fast and I began treading water emotionally, alternating between that and breaking down. On top of that, I had to continue training physically for my first season with the dance company.

As with all deaths, it came with a lot of shock, pain and confusion. Guilt crept up on me, and I immediately began wondering if my reaction to the pregnancy caused the loss of it, or if the moving process caused it. I have since learned that was probably not the case. It was so early in the pregnancy that most likely it was chromosomal abnormalities and my body knew the baby would never survive. "There was nothing you could do," was something I heard a lot during that time. I slowly began to realize something: I loved this child I never had the chance to know.

I cried. I journaled. I ran away from the issue. I came back, and I cried some more. I choreographed a dance to express my journey with Casey called "that which was lost" and have been able to share it with several different audiences including grief support groups. (What a blessing that has been, to share even just a little bit of healing with others, and at the same time healing my own heart through dance.)

I have not finished processing. I don't think I ever will, although my pain has significantly decreased. But it is not completely gone and it never will be. I have realized one highly important thing through all my processing, however. Today on Mother's Day, and every other day, I do indeed have a child. When people ask me if Casey and I have kids, I pretty much always say, with a smile, "Not yet." I always feel a twinge of guilt, and consider telling them my story (I never really do though, unless the situation is right).

This child, who is deeply loved by Casey and I, is in God's arms right now. The flower I received today was a precious message reminding me that I am a mother, and my child is waiting to greet me when it is my time to fly away.

If you have, or know someone who has ever lost a child, here is a link to wonderful foundation that wants to help: http://www.rowantreefoundation.org/

Doris is back.

Dance is an expandable art.

At Ballet Ariel we are done with our first run of Cinderella. BUT-- soon we will be in Casper, Wyoming to tour this fun production and then, onto the outside ampitheater at the Arvada Center (June 7th in the evening-- I'll be providing more details soon!). A couple days later we will be doing our second tour, which will be in Leadville, Colorado. I love Leadville and am so excited to return to that historic theater (we performed "Avoca: A Tale of Molly Brown" there last summer with the company) but it is much harder to breathe up there. That elevation is crazy.

Peter Strand as Peony, my sister (left) and me as Doris in Ballet Ariel's Cinderella

I thought it would be weird to start rehearsals again for a show we've technically "closed" once. But I jumped right back into it like we'd never ended. I think it is because I love my role as one of the Stepsisters so much. Honestly, I believe I was meant to play a Stepsister. Something about the ridiculous silliness that just fits my personality and theatrical streak.

There have been a lot of changes at work lately. But the solidity of coming back to playing my stepsister character Doris-- her pink glasses, the way she fights with Peony (her sister) over EVERYTHING, her ridiculous way of thinking she's sexy when she's actually awkward-- has been great. That's what I love about theater. You can step into another world, out of one that is not always predictable, and just have fun for a while. What is especially fun is that I can come back to Doris and grow this character, make her more and more detailed and complex ("complex" may be stretching it, as she is a more than slightly slapstick comedy character, but there you go). Character development in dance is my favorite expandable art.

What do you go back to again and again in your life when you are going through changes?

daylight-- a poem

the silence speaks
the rocks cry out
a tree trunk stands,
waiting

the earth never stops turning
the leaves are always stirring
even in the dark of night, without a breeze to help them along
they all return home.

in the daylight, friends appear
offer their prayers, love, peace
offer a God who never sleeps,
who doesn't stop

who loves and sings me to sleep.

(Gina Eslinger 2012)

I Danss cuz I happy

Shameless kitteh post! This one I especially love, for obvious reasons.

I dance 'cause I happy too. :)

This girl is me... Ok, fine, it's not.

That woman in orange is me.

Ok, you got me, it's not. I'm not Asian.

They are dancers, however, from San Francisco Ballet (the company I grew up very close to geographically). I love the feel of this photo. Plus, do you SEE the turnout on this woman?

If you don't know what turn out is, ask a ballet dancer. But expect to be thinking, "I don't understand why that's so important." Yeah... Welcome to the world of ballet. I love it, but it's kooky.
 
Have a wonderful day, friends!

Confessions of a Deactivated Facebooker: FREE AT LAST!!!

So. I'm really, really, REALLY not seeing anything on Facebook now.

As most of you know, I have been on a deactivating journey for a couple months now. I turned off my personal Facebook page because I felt I was getting too addicted to it.

But, I could still log on and see Casey's friends' pages/posts. I felt like I wanted to take this deactivation to the next level recently. So. Several days ago, I went all out and had him change his password and under no circumstances is he allowed to reveal it to me. Now I am completely disconnected. I see nothing. And I love it!

Weird, right? It should feel awful. Especially because of the withdrawals I had the first few weeks. But it doesn't. I think that the fact I saw very, very VERY little before, helped wean me off of it completely. I can't see anything going on, on anyone's wall. Period. Nothing.

And look... I'm not even wearing a straight jacket.

I'm kind of spinning in happy circles, because a couple months ago, spending time on Facebook was something that was taking over my life. Now, it's not a part of my life at all besides the 30 seconds it takes to post my latest blog on my business/writing page. The fact I've completely "lost" Facebook isn't bothering me anymore.

FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M FREE AT LAST!!! (meaning, I'm feeling free of my addiction).

And that's all I have to say 'bout that.

I'm Letting Someone Else Write My Blog Today: Part Deux

My friend Cliff is a wise guy. Not a "wiseguy," you know, the kind that is always cracking jokes. Oh wait. He's that too.

But, he is also very wise about life. He wrote a blog today that really touched me. Here it is: http://butwhadaiknow.blogspot.com/

Enjoy.

Reality Check

My friend's wife, who is only 31, was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. She is writing a blog to keep people updated on her journey through surgeries, chemotherapy, and everything else that comes along with that diagnosis. I recommend you read it-- it is real, honest, and inspiring.

I personally have never been diagnosed with breast cancer. However, I did have a breast cancer scare a few years ago, which led all the way up to an excisional biopsy to remove breast tissue in order to see if there were any cancer cells present. This process (through all the tests, needle biopsies, surgeries, MRI's, etc) dragged on for over a year and was one of the scariest times in my life-- not knowing what was inside my body, whether I was going to be ok or not, whether I had deadly cells inside of me, if I was going to die.

Then, a few years later it got scarier. My mother was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of breast cancer. She went through surgery and is now in remission. But at the time it was a storm of fear, sadness, panic, and despair in my heart. It made me stop dead in my tracks and look at my life and what it really meant. What she really meant to me. What a lot of people really meant to me. Namely, how important they are, and how I had forgotten that precious fact.

Also, I realized how un-precious so many things I had been giving my energy to were. The useless issues, dishes in the sink, the things that annoyed me-- like rush hour traffic-- I suddenly realized how unimportant they all were. The things I wasted so much thought on, and the things that riled me up, all of a sudden faded in the face of life, death, and love. It's people that matter, holding them close to you, forgiveness, and using our short time here to do things that really make a difference before we move on.

Thank you Jessica, for being an inspiration, and in that, reminding me to live for the important things.

I'm in LOVE!

I know this is going to seem like an ad to some of you... But hang with me for just a second. I do have a point. And my point is THIS: I am in love and I don't care who knows it!

Kindle Fire

In love... With the Kindle. We recently got one for an awesome price. I've read two books in the last two weeks (Mockingjay and Water for Elephants) and have already started a third. I've downloaded several public domain books (i.e.: free) on it as well so my little Kindle shelf is quite full.

Not only am I using it to download books, I can listen to Pandora on it as well, which is awesome because I'm lazy and therefore can't be bothered to turn on and operate two devices at once (my iPod AND the Kindle)-- especially when I'm at Starbucks and have a DRINK and FOOD to handle as well.... Come on.

Ok, so I'm not quite that lazy. Just trying to get a laugh here.

(approximately) Eight year old Gina and her parakeet Misty Blue.

Last point: I have not only fallen in love with the Kindle, but back in love with reading. Something about reading from this cool little device has brought back a bit of the eight year old Gina, who would sit on her bed for hours upon hours (no, I'm not exaggerating this one) and read. And read. And then, after she was done reading, she'd read some more. (Eight year old Gina's favorite books? Trixie Beldon, The Babysitters Club, Choose Your Own Adventure, among others.) Reading transports me to fascinating, magical, and distinctly OTHER places. It benevolently kidnaps me from the everyday. It tickles my brain and entrances my entire being. Now who doesn't want that?

I highly recommend it (either the Kindle or reading, or both) if you get a chance.

Marketing Fail

Came across this on Twitter... Oh the treasures you find! What were they thinking??? Next time I feel like having a 1 year old body shape and wearing a diaper I'll remember to buy a bottle of Evian.

There are some things the Bible is "silent" on...

Could not. Stop. Laughing.

I Dare You To Find a Cuter Video...

Go on... I dare you.

DANCE WALK, BABY!

I am SO. DOING. THIS.

The only questions in my mind are, when? And who will go with me? (I'm doing it regardless).

Who's with me???

Changes come...

Third post of the day... I guess I'm feeling prolific. And introspective. Introspectively prolific, maybe?

I am struck by the amount of change in my life lately. Changes in schedule, friends, social media, career, pets, and therefore emotions. I am an "F" on the Meyer's Briggs Personality Spectrum, which means "feeler," a person who's moods and choices are more affected by his/her emotions than "thinkers." Thinkers are more rational and look at the facts to make decisions and decide how they are feeling about a situation. Sometimes I wish, deeply, that I was a "thinker." It certainly would make things easier in these periods of change.

I feel as if God has been taking me through a period where he is asking me to simply hang on to his hand and keep going. Every single day of the last couple months have felt as if they were insistent waves lapping up on a shore, every wave changing the grains of sand and the shape of the beach underneath them.

At first I tried to resist them, the waves. But after a while it just got to be too exhausting and I let go. I let go of the false "control" I thought I had over my life and (most of the time) felt myself take God's hand and trust he was going to take care of everything. I already know that surrendering to this does not mean it will be easy, or even easier than before. Most of the time it presents more challenges.

What I do know is that, as I keep walking with my little hand in his big, strong one, I can trust he will stay with me through it all. And that is all I need, even though choosing this path may mean tears and struggle. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Because without that hand, I am lost.

Don't Miss This Picture.

So, I start back with Ballet Ariel on Saturday for a short stint of rehearsals, tours and shows.

 <~~This is what the pain of being on pointe so much will turn me into. Probably within a couple hours.

A picture speaks a thousand words!

Grateful

Today I am incredibly grateful. I am grateful for:

• The use of my body, and that I was fortunate enough to learn how to dance early on.
• My cat Stella, even though she is extremely moody, and thinks everyone is trying to kill her at any opportunity.
• My husband, who has stood by me tirelessly.
• My friends, who never fail to make me laugh and appreciate life.
• Opera music-- I've been addicted since dancing in La Traviata! It feeds my soul.
• God, who has stood by me even more tirelessly than Casey and is my perfect companion.
• Funny videos:    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YEm_ucHUHq0

Krispy Kremes and Kittens, In That Order

I'm having a day. A "stopping at Krispy Kreme for donuts and eating two of them in the car on the way home, is an absolute necessity" and an "I need to look at something cute and cuddly to make me feel better" kind of day.

Just in case you're feeling the same, here's a little something to cheer you up :).

Confessions of a Deactivated Facebooker: Instant Feedback and Other Random Realizations

Since deactivating from my personal Facebook page over a month ago, I have had no interaction with people on Facebook other than cutting/pasting the website to my blog on my writing, or "business" page (which does not allow me to view anyone's personal profile, the "likes" simply mean my updates show up in their feed). If you don't manage a "fan" or business page, you may not know there is a huge difference between that and a personal profile. There is potential for interaction on the "wall" but I have held strong to my pact with myself to not do that (at least for now), and just post the links to my blogs for people to follow. As I said in a recent blog post, I have perused Casey's newsfeed on a few occasions for a few minutes at a time, which has effectively caused my total boredom with Facebook in a social way (his page is kind of a social desert, because he is never on it!). This is what I have learned about why this total and utter boredom has happened (along some other random realizations about my journey being unplugged):

• Casey and I have just a few friends in common on Facebook, who I see regularly anyway and get their news that way. Therefore, seeing their posts come through the feed occasionally is not nearly as useful anymore, obviously, as I get the same information now in a more personal way (and vice versa). 
• My withdrawals (which were very real, and quite fascinating really) from FB were from the sudden drop of the sheer number of lack of online onversations and comment threads, not from perusing people's pages. It is much more interesting for me to TALK with people online as opposed to looking at their every thought. Delightfully, I have retained many of these conversations and switched them over to 3-D, real life, face to face hang out sessions with many people. The number of conversations has dropped dramatically but the quality is through the roof. These friends are amazing and I love them!
• I have successfully weaned myself totally from wanting to post every little (or even big) thing that happens to me, in order to get instant reactions from people. I have realized that this is one of the main things on FB I was addicted to: Immediate feedback/reactions from friends about what I was doing or thinking.

I had no idea how much I depended upon what people thought of my posts. I have had quite a few comments here in reaction to my blog posts, which I love, but are in no way equal in number to the reactions I got to 1-2 line status updates on FB. For me, this was a hard transition. Why did I care so much about what people think of my thoughts, my activities, my accomplishments? Why did I feel I needed instant feedback from people? It is fascinating.

I don't know the answer to that, but I am going to stay off FB for a little while longer to find out.

What do you think about the "instant feedback" phenomenon that Facebook has provided? Do you think this is a healthy thing?  A harmful thing? Somewhere in between?

Birthday Thoughts.

First off, isn't the below cake the most amazing thing you've ever seen? I totally want it!

^^Awesomeness ^^

 Too bad it's probably one of those thousand dollar cakes you see on "Ace of Cakes" or some other pastry reality show... Oh well. I can dream right? Especially since it's my birthday tomorrow. Something about having a birthday coming up soon gives me a little excited smile deep inside, even though I crested the big 30 year mark a few years ago and birthdays shouldn't be a big deal anymore. I think it's because, growing up, I had the privilege of being celebrated every year on the day I was born. And for that I am grateful. I am so grateful I have parents that made me feel like I was a special little girl, and deserved a celebration just because I came into this world.

A two year old Gina Rose looking at her birthday roses.

When my birthday comes around, I always get this excited feeling even if I'm not getting a big party or cake or a bunch of presents. This year I got to see an incredible musical at the Arvada Center (Chess) with a best friend and Casey, and also am planning to celebrate with some close friends at an Irish pub in town. These two things define me as the things I love most in this world: Friends and anything to do with dance/theater. I am blessed.

How do you prefer to celebrate your birthdays?