I am a selfish person. I know this, and it has become all the more clear in the last five years due to being in charge of a very cute yet ever-present little girl in my life.
After she was born, it literally took less than a couple days to realize my natural inclination towards self focus. Yes, my amazing daughter literally owns my heart and I would step in front of a train for her. There's nothing I wouldn't do to keep her safe and happy.
Regardless of that, I admit that all I want to do these days (understandably) is to sit and read, maybe with a glass of wine. I want to go on a beach vacation by myself. I want to go on a totally unnecessary shopping spree (ok,so that was also the case before the pandemic, but you get my drift). Mostly I super don't want to be called into her room 458 times a night as she launches stall tactic after stall tactic to avoid going to sleep. I just want to sit on the couch, eat snacks, and watch my grown up shows. Seriously little girl, go. to. sleep.
"The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'" -Jesus (Matthew 25:40)
Let me be clear: I don't think there's anything wrong with taking that vacation, getting away from your children for a bit, or even going on a shopping spree. My point is I don't think any of us (even the most loving) want to choose others over ourselves very often. That is something that has to come from a supernatural source. Just look at the two year old that is told to not hit his sister, and immediately after being told, looks straight at mom/dad and does it again unashamed. It's not a mystery why we have to teach small kids how to share, why human trafficking exists, why most women don't feel safe walking alone at night, and why even in the face of tragedy people choose themselves over others... and on and on and on.
We are all selfish. This is a spiritual problem. So why would God ask us to be selfless if it's not how we're wired?! And on top of that, why would He say it's like we're doing these selfless things for Him?
God has fashioned our little apartment into a classroom on this particular subject, especially since March. I'm with my daughter all the time, which a lot of the time I love. We play, cuddle, pretend, do legos, and make each other laugh. However due to the fact school isn't happening and childcare is more complicated, every day I face the battle between boundaries for my self care, and reaching deep down to pray for a little more patience to answer the 785th call from my only child daughter to "watch this" or to deal with yet another meltdown. For most of us there are no good recipes for balance these days-- thanks, COVID.
I'm learning that I need to make choices that will make me more aware and available to her. As an introvert this will always include alone time, so I can fill up emotionally and spiritually in order to pour out to her and others. I'm a work in progress. But when He sees me choosing her (which often means choosing myself first), I think His heart swells with happiness (ie, "you did it for me") because she is precious to Him. She is part of His family too and how she feels affects His heart.
Everyone's situation and needs are different and we are all presented with situations in which we are asked to put others before ourselves, especially nowadays. But we are all capable, mostly because our capabilities don't depend on us. I'm an empty jar, waiting to be reminded of the strength available to me to pour out on others, but first I have to stop and be quiet to receive it.
