Forgiving the Un-Sorry

How do you forgive the un-sorry? Many people have said something to the effect of: "Holding onto unforgiveness does nothing to punish the other person; It only punishes you." But what if someone has done something and they haven't asked for your forgiveness? How do you manage to let go of something like that?

Many times I have, and I am sure you have as well, been on the receiving end of someone's toxicity. The most toxic relationship in my life was with my late stepfather when I was a teenager. We had a kind of cold war going on between us despite numerous attempts of other people to "fix" us. The last two years I lived in the house with him, we didn't speak at all. I hated him more than anything. I would tell people, "I only have one enemy in this world, and it is my stepdad." I moved out at 18 and held onto all that for a few years, until I met the Lord. I realized that if I kept these feelings inside, they would eat me alive. Because God forgave me for all the things I'd done, how could I hold onto the unforgiveness toward my stepdad? I made a command decision: I would forgive him. He hadn't apologized for his hurtful and insensitive behavior, but I wasn't about to wait for that. I immediately felt a huge weight lift off my heart and shoulders. Please hear this: This forgiveness didn't mean I began thinking what he did was "ok." I just stopped holding him hostage in my heart and asked God to move his love through my heart toward him, and change my view of the situation.

A few years later, my brothers and I all received a letter from him, apologizing for all the things that happened while we were living in the house. He had been on the receiving end of major toxicity as a child, it turns out-- administered to him with a 4 x 4 by his own father. He had been abused physically for years and just then realized how it had affected him and all his relationships. I was grateful for the letter, albeit shocked he'd written it. It was a sweet end to the cold war that I'd given up a few years before. He died a few years later, from a sudden stroke. I am forever grateful to God for giving me the ability to make amends with him. I will see him in Heaven and look forward to a re-made friendship with him.

Today I was in a dance store getting new shoes, and began looking at leotards just for kicks. All of sudden, God jogged my memory to an image he gifted to me years ago. "God works in mysterious ways," people sometimes say, and at this particular moment, I have to agree. Sometimes a certain image, song, or color will bring to mind a promise God made to me long ago. Today it was a color on a beautifully designed leotard that helped me remember-- a lovely, pale lilac color:


God is dancing with me on a sunny, breezy day. We are in a lush green field dotted with wild flowers, and the sun gently shines down on us. We twirl, turn, and He lifts me high in the air with the easiest of smiles. I wear a beautiful, pale lilac flowing sundress. My heart overflows with joy and completeness.

The image of this lilac dress in particular has stuck with me for more than ten years. This gift, this image that God planted in my heart, represents freedom and a feeling of total beloved-ness in His arms and presence. Nothing else matters when I am dancing with my Daddy. I am precious, beautiful, and completely loved as I am. He believes the best of me, even though both of us know I have hurt Him in the past and will continue to. I am 100% complete in His strong embrace.

Despite the painful memories associated with it, I want to remember my experience with my stepdad. I want to remember that God is still working behind the scenes to heal people. I want to remember my lilac dress, the feeling of completeness, and most of all the knowledge that God provides all the forgiveness I could ever need.

Do you hold an image or picture in your heart that you can return to when you are struggling?