It has been an interesting several months. I realize I have neglected the "pen and paper," ie, the blog for a long time by my standards. I have no excuse but the fact I've been dancing a lot and performing a bunch as well. This is a good thing, but the fact of my forgetting to write is not.
Today is a snow day, meaning Denver has had an uncanny amount of snow dumped on it. And for once, everything (well, almost everything) is closed. All the school districts, most work places, including mine, and I am assuming a lot of stores. I haven't been out in it and don't really want to try at this point. I have my parakeets and Mozart's Requeium keeping me company and I have no desire to slide all over the street right now with white knuckles.
Because today is a snow day, I am forced to stay inside. This usually means severe frustration on my part. I hate being "trapped" inside, which reflects on my irrational fear of being a stay at home mom (and as you know, one fear follows another if you don't squish them down right away... they like to congregate you know). Yeah, I know, I know. Some of you are surprised and some of you are not. I dread the idea of being stuck inside with nothing to do but chase kids, change diapers, and do housework. I realize this is a gross stereotype and probably not true at all, especially considering the joys that come along with having kids. Surprisingly, I do have a strong desire to have kids and stay home with them despite of my many years working in daycare. I am just a bundle of contradictions today. I'll blame it on the snow (it can't be hormones at this point, take my word for it).
Being trapped inside forces me to face my own thoughts. I quite effectively have scheduled myself out of time to do this lately: Ballet Ariel, teaching, swing dancing, time with Casey, voice lessons, building up SugarPlum Ltd.,worship team at church, and time with God (which is usually the thing that goes away first. unfortunate since that is the most important).
My time with God centers me, reminds me that I am His treasure, that He created me just the way I am and loves me just the way I am, even when I ignore Him. It's the most important relationship in my life. I have a friend that often says, "I don't even suck air without Him providing it for me." A certain organization in Colorado claims (on billboards, no less) that God is an "imaginary friend." All I have to say about that is, they have the right to their opinion. But when I met God and began my relationship with Him, there were changes made deep in my heart that aren't even possible to comprehend outside of something hugely and spiritually OTHER. The only explanation (along with the fact I'm pretty sure you can't have a living, breathing relationship with someone that doesn't exist...) I can give is that He has downloaded His Spirit inside my soul and is remodeling and healing my heart step by step.
Off my soapbox now. My whole point in all this is that my thoughts today center around my relationships and fears. I have had many intense experiences in the last several months, the largest of them being cast in and performing one of the most difficult roles in Nutcracker, Sugar Plum Fairy. My version was slightly different than some but still posed a major issue to my self confidence. I made it through and not nearly without God holding me up every step of the way. There were many tears and moments of doubt, but He wiped every single one away. Take home lesson for Gina: It makes sense for me to hold onto Him with all of my being.
So why is it that the first person I ignore is Him?
It's not because He is imaginary.
I think it is because He is invisible.
The love I have poured out onto me daily through His word, His people, and in His covering of me in my life isn't invisible. There are many paintings and drawings of Jesus which give me a visual, but it's still not the same as having, say, Casey right in front of me in flesh and blood. I am envious of Peter, John, Judas, etc who had Jesus right in front of them. Although who am I to say I'd have believed and trusted in Him even if He had been right there in front of me? I probably would have been the one hanging out at Starbucks with Thomas, talking about it all and saying. "What's the big deal about this Jesus guy anyway. How's your latte?"
Having an invisible Savior... It takes a bit of moving around of expectations of relationships on this earth-- in this life at least. And that is the spiritual journey. Some call it faith. Today I want to call it trust.
Instead of trusting in other people or in rewards in this life I want to trust in His love and provision. That if all else falls away (like Job in the Bible. That guy lost EVERYTHING and came out the other end-- after a lot of struggling, of course-- trusting anyway). That if everyone abandons me (which I've come to realize is my greatest and most debilitating fear lately), He is still there and that is more than enough. He's proven it millions upon millions of times since we met personally back when I was 20.
It's like jumping off a cliff and expecting Him to catch me. Sounds crazy doesn't it?