Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Reflections on Impending Motherhood, by a 39 Weeks Pregnant Human.

I had a dream last night that I had already had Mini. It was one of my typical weirdo dreams where things don't really make sense in any of the circumstances, but for some reason I accepted everything as if it was normal.
For example, in my dream we were staying in a sort of adult orphanage-looking building (there were at least ten beds in each stark looking room), and for some reason I left her in a random room to sleep the night before. And then the next morning I couldn't find her and had to go to each room and explain to everyone that I had lost her and had you seen her? No one was being much help of course.
Then, when I did find her, I was frantically searching for water, bottle in hand, so I could mix the formula. Because she hadn't eaten for like seven hours. Which is bad. But she was just sleeping peacefully on my shoulder like nothing was going on, and of course AGAIN no one was being much help in getting me water.

This is kind of what the bedrooms looked like in my dream

Totally normal situation right?
Clearly it was a stress dream about motherhood. I've worked with infants before quite a bit-- but never one younger than 7 weeks old (the preschools I worked for didn't allow babies younger than that). Babies that young are so helpless and I think I will be mostly fine considering my experience, but there's no denying they are super tiny and vulnerable. There's also no denying that looking first time motherhood straight in the face is intimidating. The sheer amount of preparation can feel kind of isolating-- the mental preparation, the emotional realization that this little person will be totally 100% dependent on YOU for survival, and not to mention in my case the stress of frantically (while dealing with pregnancy aches and pains) preparing what feels like massive amounts of frozen food for Casey and I because knowing myself I will have no energy to cook at all post birth.
I am so grateful for people who have reached out to me in the last few weeks to let me know they are thinking of me. Part of me though, realizes that it will really be me and Casey in those moments when Mini won't stop crying, or those times the house is a wreck and we can't imagine conjuring up the strength to even gather up the dirty clothes to throw them in the laundry. I know there will be a lot of time when it's just Mini and I during the day, and I will feel the full force of how my life has changed so dramatically.
I half jokingly told Casey yesterday that I've been mentally/emotionally preparing for motherhood since I was 20-- not sure if that's a woman thing or a Gina personality thing. I just like to be prepared. And in those years of preparation, I know one thing for sure-- nothing will totally prepare me for this-- for the hard times as well as the moments of overwhelming joy that comes from having Mini in our lives.
You say to me that those moments of looking into that little face (hidden from you for all those months of pregnancy) smiles at you or relaxes into sleep in your arms, makes all the craziness worth it. I'm sure that you are right.
And I must admit, I'm so looking forward to that. And also I'm looking forward to not living in an adult orphanage when this happens.