"thump thump thump thump"

***This post was written very early March. Keep this in mind as you read. In addition, there are several more posts I've written over the last few months (about half not posted here yet) documenting my experience. I will be posting new ones daily, so check back often if you'd like to hear the whole story up till now!
If you want to hear the story of how we found out, click here (the first blog in this series)

So. We recently got to hear the baby's heartbeat again (Casey's second time and my third time, my first being the ultrasound at 7 weeks that ruled out ectopic pregnancy). For some reason I thought maybe we'd get a peek at the kid again along with a heartbeat. But alas... with a raised eyebrow my OB informed me usually you only get two ultrasounds a pregnancy. One earlier on, and one at 20 weeks.
For our second appointment, being at 11.5 weeks, we were ushered (on time! miracle of miracles!) into a small room that we immediately noticed was clearly missing the flat screen our first appointment room had. Casey and I looked at each other and I could see the gears turning in his head. "Maybe she has a thingy on wheels she'll bring in here." "Yeah, there's nothing in here that you could even hear the heartbeat on," I said. And I knew for SURE we'd get to hear the heartbeat.
A few minutes later our Dr. walks in with a walkie-talkie looking thing in her hand. "Uh oh," I thought. "This doesn't look good for us getting a peek." That was when we found out we just got to hear the heartbeat. But that's ok, because that part is always very, very impactful. It's hard to explain if you've never experienced it.

This is what the fetal doppler looked like.

She basically moved the wand thingy all over my belly until she found the right spot, and then out of seemingly nowhere, comes the sound of a (much faster) "thump thump thump thump"... From my UTERUS.
That moment is always sort of awe-inspiring. I think I walk around most of the time in denial I have a human LIFE just hanging out in my uterus. "It's the most natural thing in the world, having a baby!" people say. I say, "Um, NO IT'S NOT. There's a MINI-HUMAN in my UTERUS." So, I'm very sorry, but to me it doesn't feel natural just yet.
So the moments I hear the heartbeat are an intense reality check where I cannot deny that there is really something BIG going on. No less inside of me. I am nowhere near able to comprehend it. But I figure that comes later... Meanwhile I will enjoy being dumbfounded by the sound of that "thump thump thump thump" coming from ME... but isn't me.