Adorable?

***This post was written a couple weeks ago. Finally, this is the last back-log of posts I will be posting! We are up to "real time" now in my blogging. Woot!
If you want to hear the story of how we found out, click here (the first blog in this series)

I've been called "cute" and "adorable" a lot lately in dance class... Have to admit-- I'm not use to that. I didn't get a lot of "cute" in the past. I thrived on making my colleagues and fellow dancers laugh, to complete a large jete correctly, to nail an arabesque balance. I have a sneaking (and correct) suspicion this is because I have a small "baby bump" now. And it's hard to hide while wearing skintight leotards (which are slowly getting more and more skintight by the day).

Some of the best words you can possibly hear describing you/your dancing in the professional ballet world are as follows: Amazing. Fierce. Clean. Mesmerizing. Lovely.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind "cute" so much. But it's a strange departure from the occasional compliment I'd get in class, onstage or rehearsal. I'd savor the moments when I'd hear from a colleague or a friend, "I couldn't keep my eyes off you when you were onstage," or "You had such great lines in that part!"

And now? Ok,ok, I understand that all things baby will now veer in the direction of "adorable," "cute," and "darling." And because I am housing one of these cute beings, people might automatically see and describe me as these things as well. But when I'm in ballet class, I don't feel "cute." I feel tired and most of the time, frustrated. My body does not do things the way it used to. My energy level is about 60% of what it used to be, and therefore my skill level has diminished. My typical deep back por de bras-- backbend-- has reduced quite a bit, for example (something I was pretty proud of being able to do before). Just for scale, here's what I used to be able to do (I am in the forefront):

"figs of my im." with Kevin Burke and Rebecca Dean, choroeg. by Gregory Gonzales (photo by Peter Strand)

 Although I DO feel much more fatigued (comparatively) to what I felt like pre-pregnancy, surprisingly alongside this I occasionally feel fierce. Strong. When I finish a combination strongly and with energy, when I nail a turn, when I stick a balance-- I feel awesome. However, there's nothing about this changing ballet experience that feels adorable to me.
So please hear me: I am happy I look cute to you. I will accept this compliment gladly. BUT-- I look forward to the day when I will again feel 110% amazing and fierce. I look forward to the day I will once again feel like I'm able to kick ass alongside my ass-kicking colleagues. Like how I felt in this moment below:

Pre-pregnancy-- not a problem (photo by Peter Strand)