Why Having a Baby is Like Taking on the Sugar Plum Fairy.

Week 31 and counting. More and more I'm getting the feeling I'm in some crazy heavy duty "change" training-- since January 21st (the date we found out we were with Mini) there have been so many life changes. So. Many. Changes.
Physical: Cravings, pains, growth, regression.
Mental: What the what? You say I'm going to have a baby? Surrre. *brain clicks off and thinks about "real" life circumstances. Like I'm hungry. So I go get a snack.*
Emotional: WHY AM I SO EMOTIONAL ALL THE TIME??!? Get me some ice cream! Or at least some chips and salsa!
***Ok, so it's only been like that about 10% of the time. In fact, up until now, I've been proud of how non pregnant-zilla I've been...but worth mentioning.
Career-wise: So... basically my life looks nothing like it did before. Before I danced most days, all day and got paid for it. Then I'd go teach some littles how to dance later in the day. But that has become impossible. Because of the physical changes and the need to adjust to them. Happily I am still taking class (though not all of it all the time), and feel I am much healthier and more "me" physically, mentally, and emotionally when I do so.
I really believe all this is preparing me for the big granddaddy change of all. This new little life who will be joining us in less than ten weeks (most likely, unless it's later... pleasepleaseplease don't let it be later) will change everything, forever. It is hard to comprehend. I have listened carefully to all the words people have lovingly said to me, such as "It will change everything, but it's worth it" and "Life as you know it will never be the same" and "Get ready to never sleep again." I don't like the last one so much.

Peter Strand as Cavalier and me as Sugar Plum Fairy in Ballet Ariel's Nutcracker 2012.

And honestly, as much as I try, I will never be totally ready. I know this. It's one of those "change as the change comes" trainings, like dancing the famously difficult role of Sugar Plum Fairy. You jump into rehearsals hoping you won't collapse from the sheer weight of the technical demands and expectations the role brings with it. Somehow, miraculously, you get through the rehearsals and shows. Of course, unexpected things happen onstage that you have to deal with moment by moment (similar to babies, no?). And yes, it is all worth it. It's hard, but the payoff? Well, why do you think professional dancers consistently go back for more? Those moments onstage when the sweat and pain transform into magic and you do an unexpected triple turn or hold the position you've been struggling with in the studio? The shows you enter into the character and never exit until you step offstage? Priceless.
That role was the scariest of my life. If you've never experienced it, instead just think of the scariest thing you've ever done-- something that a lot was riding on emotionally, physically, mentally, and career-wise. I often say to myself, "Self. If you got through that, you can certainly do this." And then I feel better.
Because at least, when I change Mini's diaper and try to get the crying to stop... I don't have to do it while looking like I'm happily and confidently floating through a fantasyland of sweets. And then there are those promised moments I hear about, when your baby falls asleep in your arms, the bonding times, the first smiles and laughs-- that's the payoff. This is real life, people (involving real life people). And I think I'm mostly ready for it-- that is, as ready as I'll ever be.