Guilty

Sometimes, I feel guilty.
I know I shouldn't, I've had people tell me over and over I shouldn't. I have told MYSELF over and over I shouldn't. If you tell me I shouldn't, I will say, "I know, I know, I know, I know I shouldn't." And this would be true. I really do know. But! Yes, there's a but! Here's how I kicked guilt's ass (pardon my French).
Right now I'm staring at my beautiful, precious baby on the monitor. She is asleep. This is a great, good, AMAZING thing-- for one, because she really really needs the sleep today. Also it means I can do other things in the house, relax, and generally take a deep breath. I could even sit and watch an episode of Friends on Netflix (if I wanted to ignore the baskets of laundry lounging around my living room) and I just might, if I wasn't writing this post right now. But I digress.
Earlier today we made plans to leave the house at 3:30 pm. We talked about feeding her at 3 and therefore would be ready to go at 3:30, diaper bag and car seat (with the Peanut inside it) in hand and jackets on. She fell asleep around 2:30 (which is not exactly the plan or her normal schedule), and is still asleep, because we've decided to not wake her.

And now it's 3:16 pm, and she's still slumbering peacefully. This means I will not be making the event I "should" be going to. We made the choice to let her sleep instead.
It seems like this is my life a lot lately. So many "shoulds," so many daily choices-- beginning with pregnancy and continuing now, I could either choose what I would like to do/eat/etc, or do what's best for her. What is best for her is a lot of times, to stay sleeping in her crib. I know I could wake her up and plop her in the car seat. I have done it before. But more and more I lean toward leaving her sleeping. Or at home, playing quietly with us because she is acting like she is getting sick. Or a number of other reasons.
I realize I've had a certain expectation of what my life "should" look like at this juncture, with a five month old baby. Being without children for so many years, I expected it to look perhaps exactly like my pre-Mini life (ie, crazy busy), add cute baby. I felt I "should" be able to do everything I was able to do before (job-wise, social-wise, and every other aspect of my life-wise), and just add a baby to it. I "should" be able to do it all, right???
Enter Mini. Caring for an infant is a full time job and even though that is a grossly overused phrase, it is true. And she is my priority. I surprise myself most times by taking so much joy in forgoing something I want for her. Yes, I could ignore her needs and bring her out anyway for fear of looking like a "flake." Or I could put her first instead. That's the real "should" in my opinion. Forgive the crassness, but this false guilt can kiss my ass because she is more important than making the event. Or missing something I had wanted to do. Bottom line is God will provide for my (and her) needs, felt and unfelt, no matter what my "shoulds" are.
So as I gaze at her through the small screen of the monitor, seeing her so peaceful and happy more than makes up for anything I might have missed. It stamps out any false guilt I might have felt. Because when she needs me, I will be there. I will fight for her, in these small moments and also in the big ones.
She is my precious priority and I will always be happy to carry her and protect her through whatever she needs.