Things Have Changed.

So that's the understatement of the year.
The mini human is four months old on the 14th... I am now back in the semi-regular swing of ballet class (usually without wanting to cry at how out of shape I am afterwards), and have kinda sorta gotten the hang of Mini's daily schedule. Things are different, however. It's challenging to my time-organizing nature when I "plan" to go to class, or the store, etc and then find that she has another opinion on the matter. Babies, apparently, are not really into staying on your schedule.
I had a shock a few weeks ago when I tried to put the Peanut into one of her newborn (NB) sized onesies. It didn't fit. For so long we struggled to find things that would not swallow up her tiny 6 pound body, and now she is fully in 0-3 month old clothes. It hit me then that she was going to grow. And keep growing. And as much as I welcomed the departure of the slight colic she had the first three months (and the night feedings), a part of me-- the very same part that loved taking care of babies as a career years ago-- wants her to stay a newborn.

Mini, 2 days old.

Before Mini got here I often wondered what made mothers wish that. Did they want to stay chained to the house all day on the 2 hour feeding schedule? Did they just have nothing better to do? Did they need a hobby?
But now I get it. If she's going to grow out of her newborn stuff, she's going to grow out of her 0-3 month old stuff. Then she'll grow out of her 6 month stuff. Then, she'll be going to high school and wanting to borrow the car.
And I'm not quite sure I'm ready for that!
Before Mini came, I silently calculated how long it would take to get back into "ballet" shape. I researched when most babies got on a 3.5-4 hour schedule which would allow me freedom to do so much more. I carefully folded my smaller leotards, thinking about when I'd be able to fit into them again. But now I find myself observing her growing up in small, precious ways every day and treasuring my time with her (even when, frustratingly, we don't leave the house all day). Nothing about being a mom spoke "freedom" to me before she arrived.
Guess what, future moms who also may mentally/emotionally struggle with these issues? Don't worry. The freedom I feel being her caretaker has definitely taken me by surprise.
We belong together, her and I. I can be all I was before, and also be her mom. Yes-- it does, and will continue to look different than my pre-Mini life. She has changed my life drastically from what it was before but I'd never, ever take it back even if I could.

Casey, Mini and I on  her first Christmas (2014).