Why I Don't Want to Be Pregnant

If you've known me for a little while, you probably have already heard all this straight from the horse's mouth. My mouth, I mean. No. I'm not a horse.

I am 34 years old though, and many people are surprised to hear this (one, because I look young; and two, because I do not have children yet). And here is part of the reason why:

As long as I can remember, I have had major stomach issues. All the time. When I get nervous, when I eat certain foods, at certain times of the month, etc etc. (Don't worry, male contingent, that is my last reference to my monthly visitor.) Since a very young age, it seems my stomach needs no more than a fraction of a reason or hint of circumstance to freak out on me. And when this happens, it often shuts me down or at the very least makes everyday life uncomfortable.

So, now that I am more than at the "child bearing" age, I will admit the issue is occasionally on my mind. I do want children. I really like the little humans, really. I always have. And once I feel it is time, I would very much like to have one of my own.

Here's the problem: Nausea. And MORE stomach issues.

Because I've dealt with this along with other things for at least 30 years on a continuing basis, the thought of it getting worse or visiting on a more constant basis is unbearable. I know, I know, I sound like a total baby (no pun intended). I know what you're going to ask me, and the answer is YES, my mother was nauseous with all three of her children including me.


Which no, does not mean I necessarily will have the same experience, but probably. Think about it this way: If you have had pain issues haunting you your whole life without rest, the thought of it getting much worse continually for 9 months would not be not such a happy one. Or if you had major eyesight issues, and you were told you'd basically be blind for the 9 months you were pregnant, you'd be a little hesitant too, wouldn't you? The thought of constant nausea makes me want to jump off the edge of the planet.

I know what else you're going to say: "It's worth it." Or, "When you hold that little baby in your arms, you forget everything else." Miracle of life, blah blah blah... I know, I know. A friend recently told me, "They have medicine for that." I said, "Oh really? Cool!" She then continued: "Yeah, with the medicine I only threw up once a day." Sounds... amazing?

I'm not saying Casey and I have totally made up our minds. We probably will have a child of our own, God willing (just not looking forward to the additional stomach issues). And, yes, adoption is a viable option also (which we are seriously considering even if we have our own). Just speaking my mind here. I haven't blogged in a while and it's been fun to get back here and spit my thoughts out at you (again, no pun intended).

Thoughts of your own?

How to Imitate a Chicken

Don't get it? You probably haven't seen "Arrested Development." Let me tell you, you are missing out.

It's one of the funniest, most ridiculous, intelligent, dark humor tv shows ever created. I had no idea Jason Bateman was so subtly funny before seeing every single episode of every single season. And, until I met Gob, I never knew magic tricks were so hilarious. Oh, excuse me, I meant "illusions."

If you haven't seen this show, please, please PLEASE do yourself a favor and check it out. I promise it will be worth the extra half hour or two you take to educate yourself on the best in dark humor.

"Breaking Pointe": Save the Drama Fo Yo Mama.

I'm looking forward to it... The future, that is.

I've decided to spend another season dancing. Shocker, right? Any of you who have known me more than five seconds know that it is my passion, and it would take an unusually large mack truck with a big fat chain to pull me away from my career. I'm looking forward to what next season will bring-- new challenges, new music, new choreography, new costumes... All the fun things that come along with a ballet company.

There is a new reality show, "Breaking Pointe," that just had it's season finale. It featured a professional ballet company in Salt Lake City-- or shall I say, the editors featured the drama between dancers in the company. They spent way over half of the show's hour showing how one particular couple dealt with their relational problems. This couple's tears, yelling, and sideways glances were just as much the stars as were the actual dancing/performing scenes. As a professional ballet dancer, that irked me just a bit. Now, the dancing they DID show us was simply stunning and lovely (often inspiring me to get my butt into ballet class), and I'm not saying drama never happens in the workplace. In any community, at least a little bit always will. I just wish the editors had chosen to show us more rehearsal footage, more class shots, and more about the life of a working dancer. Because I love my career so much, I wanted DANCING to be the star of the show, so the outside world could know more about our world. Not to say they ignored it, but they just spent so much more time featuring the relational drama between dancers.

What I'm getting at is this: The excitement of growing as a dancer is really giving me joy these days. Even the exhaustion that comes from daily class, daily hours of pointe work, daily hours of breathing so hard you think you're going to die. The exhaustion is worth it. Another thing that bugged me about the editing on "Breaking Pointe" is how the editors/producers/directors/whomever makes those sort of decisions, decided to add into the introduction for each episode, the "reason" dancers work so hard. They specify that it is "that certain moment that you are "perfect" onstage," and how this moment is the reason dancers dance. For me, I'd have to kind of take issue with the fact they presented this as the sole reason we do what we do: In my opinion, those moments when the technique, character, costume, and lights come together onstage are certainly powerful. But the other moments are just as powerful for me:

That moment in rehearsal where you float through the air carried by your partner and you feel like you're flying.

That moment where your colleague does something so hilarious in rehearsal you can't help but bust up laughing, and totally break character.

That moment you get a correction from a coach, and you actually manage to fix what you're doing wrong-- and everything in your body clicks into the right position.

That moment you are about to cry because you're so frustrated with how it seems you will never get that particular step right-- and your colleague gives you a hug, and you suddenly feel the sweet comraderie of being in your working community.

That moment of taking a deep breath in the wings before walking onstage for a solo, as your partner squeezes your hand in encouragement.

So many moments, that make it all worth it. Blood, sweat, tears, drama-- all worth it.

Fairy Tales Are Real.

You're shaking your head already? Is it because you've heard me say too many times that Disney gives little girls a false idea of how relationships work with men? Or because I've been so mean about the dismally uninteresting and unrealistic plots of modern romantic comedies?

Or, maybe you're with me on this one. As a teen and young adult, I really honestly thought romantic comedies were like documentaries of real life relationships I would someday experience. Sometimes I wish I had a time machine to hop into and tell my younger self something: That these stories, although shiny and entertaining, rarely represent real life.

Don't get me wrong... And don't think I'm trying to express, in a not so subtle way, that my marriage is on the rocks (it's not, I promise). I think though, that when any honest married person tells the whole and non-sugarcoated truth, they will say that marriage is not easy. It's not a fun, silly romp through a field, where you start out hating each others guts and then all of a sudden, realize you're perfect for each other and fall in love. Boom. Then your life becomes a rose colored haze, spending your time swooning 24/7 over your special guy/gal and can't wait to make out with them every moment for the rest of your life.

One of Disney's old-school love stories: Snow White and her Prince Charming

Sound familiar? Didn't think so.

Here's the catch though: I personally believe we can live moments of our favorite fairy tales, even in our broken world with imperfect people.

Here's the God's honest truth about marriage (in my opinion): Even after passing through the honeymoon stage of being married, even after consistently seeing your significant other's dirty laundry, getting super annoyed at the sound of them crunching cereal at 7 am, hurting each other's feelings over and over--  there are many moments you find yourself blown away by the other person's beauty. Unfortunately everyday life, jobs, and exhaustion seem to deaden our ability to see the person in their full beauty, the way we saw them when we were first dating. It's not that they aren't that way every moment. We just can't see it all the time.

Or can we?

Can you think back to one of your first dates with your S.O.? Or even before you started dating, and you had that special fuzzy feeling toward them, hoping that something might happen? I think we can look back on purpose and choose to see the mystery and beauty of our spouse or S.O. We can choose to not see them through the filter of laundry, bills, and "normal" life. On top of that, I have found that my husband has become more beautiful to me in a deeper way since we got married almost five years ago. He is consistently loving and faithful to me, never fails to ask me how my day was. He chooses to give me the better half of the steak at dinner. He provides for us, not just  financially, but in many other ways as well. I often tell people that he is a much nicer person than I am, and I stand by that.

People have told me over and over that marriage "just gets better" over the years. What I'm thinking they mean is, that it doesn't get more rose-colored, or more like a romantic comedy. I think they mean time reveals the deeper beauty of the person, and this causes you to love your S.O. in a much different way than Hollywood would want us to believe. We continue building a foundation of commitment into the relationship every time we refuse to walk away from the problems we all encounter. And that, my friends, is true beauty.

But that's just me (being painfully honest), at almost five years of marriage. By no means am I claiming this to be truth for everyone, although I am pretty sure if we caught up with Snow White and Prince Charming right now, they might say something similar... Thoughts?